Dear Submissions Editor,*
I’m hoping I’ve caught you at the perfect time. Right before you embark on your summer holidays so you’re not really paying attention to work. You’re too busy dreaming of those long, lazy days ahead, lying on a beach, spending quality time with the family, watching cricket on a 60” sceen or drunkenly revealing your true feelings for your superior to their face at the office Christmas Party (tick all applicable options). Basically, the one time of year when you’ll be in the right frame of mind to say; oh, sure, Liane. Whatever. Why not? Send your little manuscript. Send it forthwith. I’ll read it first thing next year. Then you’ll return from your break in 2011 feeling refreshed and relaxed, yet also invigorated and ready to see (or read) the best in everything. I will surely seem like the next Paul Jennings when you’re in such a good mood (the jaded, disillusioned feeling that everything you’re reading is all a load of trash doesn’t actually set in until at least March, does it?). Wow. She’s an evil genius, I hear you think. Perhaps I am. Perhaps I am.
*I really mean no disrespect to your position and I hope you won’t take offence at my letter!